Remember when you were a little kid and someone would tell you they loved you and you just said it back? Without any thought about what it meant, because you didn’t know what it meant. You were just a kid who didn’t know anything about the word love. And you got older and kids started using it on the playground at recess or at the lunch table with their friends. “I love him so much”, they would say and no one really put too much thought into those words because you were still just a kid and didn’t have a clue what love was. And then you’re in middle school trying to fit in and find your way, and the “I love you”‘s turn into “I want someone to love me”. Someone to make me feel like I fit in and belong. And again, no one put much thought into this because you were only in middle school and you “shouldn’t know what love is in middle school”. And then you’re in high school and you find that one boy. That one boy who makes you smile at the sound of his name. When he walks in a room your stomach gets butterflies because you don’t know what to say to him. When he smiles you get so happy and so warm inside. He becomes your boyfriend and he makes you the happiest you’ve ever been. You say you love him, but how do you know you love him? When does a person know they love someone? Is it when the butterflies turn into calming sensations because you’re better when you’re with him? Or is it when you can’t get him off of your mind and he’s all you think about all of the time? I have yet to figure this out. And maybe it’s because no one ever told me what love is. No one ever told me that love was wonderful and magical and I’d find it one day with that one special person. No one ever told me that love was terrifying and could tear me apart so easily. Growing up, no one talks about that. You just say you love someone and no one thinks about it. But when does the love stop? From the time you think you love someone, to the time you don’t, what happens? Can a person just stop loving someone? No one ever told me that either. Does love go away when he stops texting you as much as he once did, or when he doesn’t make plans with you as often as he once did? Or when you find yourself being the only one trying so hard to keep everything together between the two of you and him not caring? Or when you find yourself crying every day because of the boy you love? I don’t know when you can just stop loving someone. But I do know this, love can destroy you. 4 letters. 4 simple, easy letters have the power to tear you down completely and make you question everything you thought you knew about love. And you get to the point when you’re laying in bed at 2 in the morning wondering where you went wrong. Wondering if love was ever a wonderful thing. And that’s where I think I’m at. Love. The 4 simple letters that have me holding on so tightly, but wanting to let go at the same time.
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